
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/13573455.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Harry_Potter_-_J._K._Rowling
  Relationship:
      Sirius_Black/Remus_Lupin
  Character:
      James_Potter, Peter_Pettigrew
  Additional Tags:
      One_Shot, they_are_sixth_years_so_underage, Marauders'_Era, First_Kiss,
      First_Time, Oral_Sex, Hand_Jobs, First_Time_Blow_Jobs, Humor, Gratuitous
      Use_of_Capitalization, good_natured_Marauderly_Banter
  Stats:
      Published: 2018-02-04 Words: 11540
****** The Ridiculous but Overall Enjoyable Consequences of Silencing Sirius
Black [+Podfic] ******
by xinasvoice
Summary
     "The only thing worse than being trapped in an utterly silent room
     with Sirius Black was not being able to complain about being trapped
     in an utterly silent room with Sirius Black."
Notes
     Podfic duration: 1hr 7 min 9 sec
     Ending music: "Pretty Little Ditty" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers
     Stream or download the .mp3 file (127.2 MB): https://soundcloud.com/
     user-824292289/the-ridiculous-but-final-with-music-2418-858-am
     Download the .m4b audiobook file (121.7 MB):
     https://www.dropbox.com/s/95d8jk7m9950p0s/
     01%20The%20Ridiculous%20but%20Overall%20Enjoyable%20Consequences%20of%20Silencing%20Sirius%20Black.m4b?dl=0
The only thing worse than being trapped in an utterly silent room with Sirius
Black was not being able to complain about being trapped in an utterly silent
room with Sirius Black. 
Remus groaned (inaudibly) and let his head knock (also inaudibly) against the
wall behind him. He couldn’t even hear the sound of his own breathing or the
equally unceasing rhythm of Sirius’ pacing. Everything in the room was exactly
as the little plaque outside the door had promised: 
                             Room Of Utter Silence
                    Do Not Enter Without Staff Supervision
For the last five years James and Sirius had spent significant portions of
Charms class staring at that plaque, eyes narrowed in resentment at the second
line, which they clearly considered a challenge. Remus cursed that sign. Sirius
and James would have had zero interest in a room simply labeled “Room Of Utter
Silence,” as silence was anathema to their existence. But by adding that second
line to the plaque, the staff had made the room completely irresistible to two
boys with a drive to challenge authority so strong that it had, in their very
first month at Hogwarts, led them to sneak three hundred flobberworms into
Professor McGonagall’s office just to see if they could.
They had tried to break into the Room of Utter Silence repeatedly, but of
course the door was locked. It was also hard to find opportunities to try since
the only entrance was within the much-used Charms classroom. Finally, about two
hours ago, Sirius had found a spell in the library that had a chance of
succeeding. Instead of waiting thirty minutes for his partner in pointless
crimes to get out of Ancient Runes down the hall, he had borrowed James’
invisibility cloak, shoved Remus—the only available conspirator—under it, and
proceeded to drag him along to test it out. 
The Marauders had various theories about the Room of Utter Silence (torture
chamber, staff sex dungeon, secret party room) despite the fact that Remus had
long ago done what any sane person would do and simply asked Professor Flitwick
about it. Flitwick’s answer, that it was for seventh years taking a particular
elective to practice silent magic, was not acceptable to the other three
Marauders. Such a prosaic explanation would have given them no reason to break
in since they could—as Remus pointed out repeatedly—simply wait one more year
and take the relevant class.
Still, compared to the flobberworms incident, this Mischief was positively
productive. Even Remus agreed that they should, eventually, explore this room
for the sake of the Map. He only disagreed with the timing of the inquiry. And
the method. And the fact that he had been dragged along when he was only one
chapter away from finishing a good book.
Against all expectations, Sirius’ spell had actually worked, and Remus had to
admit the room had proved interesting at first. Visually, it was quite plain,
like any other classroom in the castle except for the absence of furniture and
the addition of full length mirrors along one wall, reminiscent of a dance
studio. Remus supposed this was to help students examine their form as they
cast spells. Silent magic was probably a lot more sensitive to such things than
spoken spells. And of course the room was thoroughly charmed to prevent any and
all sound. Their first half-hour in the room had been occupied with various
fact-finding experiments. That’s what Remus called it, but in practice it had
mostly involved Sirius attempting to make noises with various body parts. All
of it was completely inaudible (and completely hilarious to watch). From a
magical perspective, the room was fascinating. Remus spent several delightful
minutes searching the corners of the room, locating the sturdy crystals that
held the silencing charm secure.
That was all before Remus had decided to go get note-taking supplies and
realized that the door had automatically locked behind them, and of course
Sirius’ spell, his spokenspell, was completely useless for opening it from the
inside. Sirius had tried to cast the spell silently, despite Remus’ frantically
waved warnings, and had only succeeded in nearly catching Remus’ robes on fire
with stray sparks from his wand. 
They were trapped, and had been for the last—Remus morosely checked his watch
again—forty-five minutes. That was a long time to spend in silence if you
happened to be sharing that silence with one of the most annoying people in the
universe. Remus had confiscated and was currently sitting on both Sirius’ wand
and the invisibility cloak, the former because Sirius couldn’t be trusted with
it under ideal conditions, let alone when reaching terminal boredom velocity,
and the latter because Sirius had immediately recognized the entertainment
potential of sneaking up on someone who could neither see nor hear him.
Deprived of these tools of mischief, there was a real risk that Sirius might go
insane before help arrived, but at least Remus wouldn’t be forced to strangle
him after being goosed for the third time in a row. At least the room was
relatively large. Remus was sure he wouldn’t have been able to handle being
crushed into some tiny closet with Sirius without revealing several facts he
had been working hard to keep secret for a long time now. 
If only he had brought his book. It was nearly over, but several important plot
threads had yet to be resolved, and he was beginning to suspect one of his
favorite characters had been killed offscreen. He was immersed in writing
various endings for the story in his head when suddenly Sirius tackled him. 
Remus’ mouth opened in a silent yelp as he attempted to fight off Sirius’ bony
hands, which were being uncharacteristically invasive, even for Sirius, groping
all around his hips. Sirius was too quick, however, and he succeeded in
locating and retrieving his intended target, which thankfully turned out to be
just one of the small two-way mirrors the Marauders had devised for
communicating with each other. The screen was flashing black/white/black/white,
which must have been visible through the thin fabric of Remus’ robes. 
Remus stopped struggling immediately once he saw the pattern the mirror was
displaying. It was James, signaling to them by flashing the mirror in front of
a bright light, a clever way to get their attention when the sound of his voice
hadn’t gotten a response. 
Using a mix of gestures, exaggerated mouth movements, and desperate
expressions, Sirius conveyed their predicament. It didn't take much for James
and Peter to work out where they were, since there weren’t a lot of situations
that could result in them being deprived of all ability to make noise. Remus
and Sirius watched anxiously while James put the mirror back in his pocket.
From the way the fabric of his robes moved, he was clearly walking somewhere.
Then the movement stopped, and after a long pause James pulled the mirror back
out. He made an exaggerated wincing face and turned the mirror around to show
them the door to the main Charms classroom. Slowly, he slipped the mirror under
the crack at the bottom of the door. The classroom was full of young
Ravenclaws. Of course. They had Charms now. The room would occupied for the
next three hours. 
Once James’ face was back in view, Sirius scowled and indicated, with
surprisingly specific gestures, that James should create a distraction, an
explosion, something. Remus nodded his agreement, silently sending prayers of
apology to his prefect’s badge. He usually did his best to discourage class-
disrupting Mischief, but this was an emergency. 
To their surprise, James shook his head with a pious expression. Sirius and
Remus exchanged a confused look, and then Remus remembered that Lily had
volunteered to assist in the first years’ charms lessons. He mouthed her name
at Sirius, who immediately turned back to the mirror and began an argument with
James that, while silent, nonetheless incorporated several creative swear
words. This went on for a while, but James was stubborn and had the tactical
advantage. Eventually Sirius gave up and settled for guiding James to the
library book he had found the unlocking spell in. After that, James firmly
indicated three hours on his watch and put the mirror back into his pocket,
wisely preventing further silent demands for assistance.
Sirius fell to his knees in a show of dramatic despair, which Remus echoed, if
internally. He was never going to survive three more hours of this. Still,
being a werewolf, survival was something of a passion of his, so he decided to
try. He settled himself comfortably on the floor and donned a peaceful
expression, hoping Sirius would follow suit. 
Sirius didn’t, of course. First he paced the room some more, then he repeated
that process more methodically, placing one foot directly in front of the other
and counting on his fingers (presumably for Remus’ benefit, since it was a fair
assumption that he was capable of counting in his head) to measure the
dimensions of the room. Remus nodded gamely and mirrored the final count on his
own fingers to show he had understood. They would need those measurements to
put the room on the Map later. 
He was far less clear on the purpose of counting how many times Sirius could
roll his body across the room, which was the next theoretically gainful
activity Sirius found. Then Sirius began playing with the mirrors, unbuttoning
his robes so he could use them like a cape and pretend to be a vampire. He also
ran back and forth across the room, letting his robes stream behind his spread
arms and making truly strange expressions that had Remus somewhat alarmed until
he realized Sirius was pretending to be Batman, a key figure in some of the
muggle comics James collected, or possibly just a bat. 
Sirius watched his own performances in the mirrors with unsurprising vanity,
and he looked back at Remus frequently to see how he was being received. Remus
was mostly unaffected by his antics, although he couldn’t help laughing when
Sirius’ bat sonar appeared to malfunction (perhaps due to the soundlessness of
the room), and he crashed into the wall. It was ridiculous and childish, like
most of the things Sirius did for attention, but it was hard to judge him for
it. Remus got the impression Sirius hadn’t been allowed to act like a child
back in his actual childhood, so it was understandable that he would want to
make up for it now. 
After a particularly dramatic crash, Sirius lay flat on his back for long
enough that Remus began to hope he had fallen asleep. That would be lucky
indeed. He closed his own eyes, looking for whatever diversion his mind could
find. Finally he settled on trying to remember and recite all the significant
dates for their upcoming History of Magic exam. This kept him feeling happy and
industrious for quite a while until he felt obliged to open his eyes to check
on Sirius, only to find that Sirius was right there, mere centimeters away,
watching Remus’ lips move with wary fascination. Remus startled backwards,
which only served to knock his head on the wall. 
Sirius gave him a “What are you doing” kind of look and pointed to Remus’
mouth. Remus sighed and reached into his pocket for his quill. He didn’t have
any paper, but it was the nice self-inking quill Peter had given him for
Christmas. He figured he could manage to write “studying” on the back of his
hand or something. 
When Sirius saw the quill, his face blossomed with delight. He snatched it out
of Remus’ hands, and Remus began to fear he had accidentally introduced the
diversion of graffiti. But then Sirius produced a small, much-folded piece of
parchment from his own pocket and held the two above his head with ecstatic
glee, in the manner of one who had completed a holy quest. He lowered the paper
to one of the smoother stones on the floor and wrote, So, what fiendish charm
were you whispering? A badass arcane chant to break down the door?
Remus rolled his eyes and reached for the quill. It wasn’t a charm. I’m
practicing for the History of Magic ex—
Sirius, who had been watching the words form on the paper, snatched the quill
away with a disgusted look that said very clearly that this paper was far to
valuable to be filled up with nonsense like studying. He hoarded both paper and
quill close to his chest and scooted away from Remus on the floor as if fearing
that the urge to study was contagious (it wasn't, Remus had tried), lips moving
in a silent, disapproving mutter.
Remus shrugged and returned to his spot leaning against the wall, although he
decided against shutting his eyes again. He might open them to find Sirius
drawing a mustache on his face or something. When it came to Sirius, it was
always best to be on alert. 
Sirius seemed relatively harmless at the moment though. He had scooted all the
way up to the mirror and was examining his face, squishing various parts of it
and using the paper to cover up first one side, then the other, apparently for
a change of perspective. After a few minutes of this, he rolled back over,
stopping on his stomach in front of Remus’ feet to write, Do you think I’m
ugly?
Remus rolled his eyes and pointedly did not reach for the offered quill. Sirius
wasn’t ugly, and he knew it. It would be a long time before he got bored enough
to indulge Sirius’ already over-inflated ego. 
Sirius scowled at this noncompliance and wrote YES or NOin inquisitive
capitals, in exactly the same way that James had when he had passed Lily a note
asking if she would go to the winter dance with him in third year. The memory
of Lily calmly setting the paper on fire made Remus laugh and put him in a good
enough humor to take the quill Sirius was aggressively waving in his face and
circle NO.
Sirius sat up to watch and beamed when he saw the result. He took the parchment
and quill back. So you think I’m devastatingly handsome?
He waggled his eyebrows and scooted up next to Remus, nudging their hips
together. Remus smiled and shook his head, trying not to be too effected by
their closeness. Sirius looked genuinely disappointed, though, so Remus took
the quill and wrote, against his better judgement, You’re just right.
Sirius took the paper back, eyes wide. He looked at the words Remus had written
for so long, with so little humor, that Remus started to be afraid he had
revealed too much. He wished he could take it back, but those three words
stayed inked onto the page no matter how much he wished that he wasn’t such a
stupid, transparent, utter, utter, girl. 
Sirius twirled the quill in his fingers for a few minutes and then wrote, very
slowly, very carefully, Do you want to touch me?
He handed the paper and quill to Remus who took them without thinking. It would
have been helpful in that moment to look at Sirius’ face to check his
sincerity, but Remus was so stunned all he could do was read those words over
and over, mind racing. 
He had a crush on Sirius, of course. It had been like that for a long time. It
wasn’t an uncomfortable predicament, aside from occasional embarrassing moments
that were usually obscured by the tastefully modest Hogwarts school uniforms.
It also wasn’t so very surprising, when you looked at the facts of the
situation. Sirius was indeed quite attractive. He was charming and clever and
very good at dragging Remus—sometimes kicking and screaming—out of moping and
into some fun. He could even be sweet and sincere when the situation demanded.
And Remus didn’t exactly have a lot of options when it came to dating. He
couldn’t imagine having a relationship with someone who didn’t know he was a
werewolf, which (excluding family and professors) left only three candidates.
James was hopelessly smitten with Lily, despite having received exactly zero
encouragement. Peter lacked good looks, wit, creativity, and pretty much
anything else that would have made him stand out in a crowd.That left Sirius,
and no one could call Sirius the bottom of the barrel. Looked at in this light,
having a crush on Sirius was completely logical. It was downright practical. 
It was also never going to happen. Remus had known that from the beginning. He
had done the math. It went like this. If one considered that approximately ten
percent of the population was romantically interested in persons of the same
gender, that made the odds of Remus and Sirius both being attracted to boys
about one in a hundred. Additionally, Remus considered the odds of Sirius
liking himspecifically instead of some other more interesting or more
attractive boy—say, James—to be quite low, perhaps one in a thousand. So the
chances of Remus’ feelings being reciprocated were approximately one in one
hundred thousand, or point-zero-zero-one percent. One would have to be feeling
extremely lucky to bet on those odds, and Remus was not a very lucky person.
But then here were these words, staring him right in the face. Do you want to
touch me? 
Finally, on the hundredth reading of this impossible sentence, Remus found the
courage to look up. Sirius had given up on waiting for him to respond and had
slouched back against the wall with his eyes closed. He looked a bit
embarrassed and truly morose, so much so that Remus began to consider a whole
new set of statistics. Perhaps Sirius was not exactly gay but high enough on
the Kinsey scale that he would consider, in a situation of dire boredom like
this, fooling around with his friend, just out of curiosity or to pass the
time. What were the odds of that? Considering that Sirius was apt to do
anything that struck his fancy when he was bored, and that there were very few
things to strike one’s fancy on in this room, it seemed like Remus’ chances
were relatively good. A lot better than point-zero-zero-one percent anyways.
Perhaps more relevantly, what were the odds that Remus would hate himself
forever if he didn’t take advantage of this extremely rare situation and do
something, even though he had no experience and no confidence that it wouldn’t
end in disaster? Pretty damn high. 
So he sucked up every ounce of his Gryffindor courage and brushed his fingers,
just very lightly, across the back of Sirius’ hand where it lay on his knee,
reasoning that he could always pretend it was an accident if Sirius didn’t
respond like he hoped. Sirius’ hand jerked and his eyes flew open. It was hard
to read anything other than surprise in his expression, and Remus started to
retreat. But then Sirius very slowly, very deliberately turned his hand over,
exposing his palm and several centimeters of wrist. 
Remus swallowed against a sudden, fresh torrent of nervousness. Hesitantly, he
let the tips of his fingers rest in the center of Sirius’ palm. Sirius didn’t
take his hand, but he didn’t pull away either. Remus forced himself to focus
his attention entirely on Sirius’ hand, because he knew he would chicken out if
he looked Sirius in the eye again. He gently stroked Sirius’ index finger from
base to tip, feeling the little divots where the joints were and observing all
the different colors at work. The almost creepy paleness of Sirius’ skin was
tempered with warm pink here, with slightly darker lines in the creases and
splashes of purple and gray where delicate veins were visible through the skin.
It was oddly fascinating. Remus repeated the motion on the next finger and the
next. Sirius’ hand twitched with each contact, and out of the corner of his eye
Remus saw the twitching transform into lithe little shivers that traveled up
and down the length of Sirius’ body.
Sirius’ skin was rough but warm against the tips of Remus’ fingers. The feel of
it dragging along was like electricity, like every nerve in Remus’ body had
been temporarily relocated to whatever part of him was touching Sirius at that
moment, even when it was just the tip of one fingernail tracing the outline of
Sirius’ palm. Suddenly greedy, he let his fingers trail down to Sirius’ wrist,
where the skin was much thinner and softer, and—sweet Merlin, he had no idea it
was possible to get so turned on from doing so little. He was already dizzy
with it. He was a total goner. He would never recover his cool, unaffected
demeanor around Sirius again. He would be a useless lump of fawning desire for
the rest of his life if he didn’t stop now—
But he was not going to stop, because in that moment Sirius leaned forward and
kissed him. 
Remus was so startled that he almost jerked away, but Sirius had a hand wrapped
around his head, and, anyways, aborting this kiss—this one in one hundred
thousand chance—was the one thing that Remus absolutely must not do. 
He had never kissed anyone before, and he didn’t think Sirius had either. He
would have said something, surely. There had been a lot of speculation about
kissing and sex in general amongst the four Marauders, but as of yet no one had
submitted any hard data, unless you counted comparing wanking techniques.
James, predictably, was saving himself for Lily, and Peter was not exactly the
type to go out and do something before the rest of them. Sirius was the obvious
choice for a pioneer in this area, but so far he had had nothing to report,
despite James urging him to do some exploring for the sake of the group, if
nothing else. Remus, of course, hadn’t foreseen ever having an opportunity to
contribute to their pool of knowledge at all. 
It was a lot weirder than he had imagined it would be. Sirius’ lips were tense
and pressed firmly against his. He must have licked them when Remus hadn’t been
looking, because there was moisture there. The more panicky part of Remus’ mind
shouted that this was strange, really strange, if you considered kissing with
the perspective that humans were part of the animal kingdom, and somehow they
had developed this bizarre habit of spreading saliva onto each other’s mouths.
What was the purpose of that? There was no evolutionary advantage to it at
all. 
 Then Sirius’ fingers shifted in his hair. It felt…nice, and a lot more normal
than everything else that was happening. Remus relaxed ever so slightly. Sirius
must have relaxed too, because now his lips felt soft. Remus could feel them,
rounded and parted like the pages of a book that had been turned back just
enough to see the page numbers. Remus sighed out through his nose, suddenly
feeling very happy and lightheaded. If Sirius was a book then he wanted to read
every word. He slid his lips slowly over Sirius’ own, marveling at their
malleability—not a trait Sirius was usually known for. Sirius was such an
uncontrolled, unpredictable bundle of chaos that it was easy to forget what a
lovely container all that energy was wrapped up in. But now his mouth unfurled
willingly, dreamily, and Remus began to lose track of individual moments in the
sweetness of it. 
They found a sort of rhythm, not at all polished or predictable, but even more
enticing because of that. Remus could feel Sirius’ breaths, short and jagged,
rushing out of his nose with abnormal silence and creating little sparks of
cold whenever they moved in a way that exposed wet skin. He shifted forward,
moving himself to a better angle, and brought his hand up to trace the curve of
Sirius’ jaw, discovering the smooth hollow under his ear and the lines of
alternating tension and softness in his neck. His other hand was still on
Sirius’ wrist. He could feel the flutter of Sirius’ heartbeat in these two
points of contact, beating in time with the dizzy sensation they were creating
between them. It seemed to dance against Remus mouth, a spinning white helix of
light that pulsed so much energy he thought he might be able to live off it
forever.  
He wouldn't have forever, though. He would only have a couple hours, possibly
even less. Then everything would go back to the way it had been. They would be
friends, and Remus would pine more intensely than before. But for now they
existed in a miraculous bubble of time, location, and circumstances where one
in one hundred thousand chances actually happened, and Sirius might let him do
anything. Such opportunities should not be wasted. Remus let go of Sirius’
wrist and let gravity carry his hand downwards to rest on the inside edge of
Sirius’ knee. Sirius had invited him to touch, and that was what he intended to
do, as much as he could possibly get away with before this bubble burst. 
Sirius’ knee moved under the weight of his fingers, and his legs parted in
clear invitation. Remus spread his hand, curving his fingers around the outer
part of Sirius’ leg while his thumb rested between two tendons on the inside
edge of his knee. Sirius’ school robes were still fully unbuttoned and askew
from the ridiculous games he had been playing earlier, so there was only the
thin fabric of his trousers separating them.
Remus let his mouth range a little further afield, sliding over Sirius’ cheek
and jaw, down to his neck. He was experimenting, relying purely on instinct, so
he was surprised and delighted when he felt the flesh under his lips vibrate as
Sirius moaned. There was no sound, of course, so Remus had to fill the auditory
space with conjecture based on hearing Sirius’ voice in a thousand other
situations. Even that was enough to make his own breath hitch in yearning
imitation. 
When he happened to glance downward, there was an obvious bulge pushing against
the boundaries of Sirius’ clothes. He gasped against Sirius’ neck, hardly able
to believe he could effect him so much. But it was true. Sirius was definitely
hard, and it was Remus who had made him that way. Remus watched, heart pounding
rapidly, as his hand slid up Sirius’ thigh, moving without any conscious
intention at all, unless you counted sheer desire. He could feel all the
textures of Sirius’ leg through the fabric. Sirius squirmed and ducked his
head, seeking out Remus mouth again. Remus let him have it, and gladly. Sirius’
hand wrapped around his shoulder, pulling them closer together. 
Sirius kissed him more boldly now, taking Remus’ lip between his teeth with a
gentle pressure that sent heavy rushes down Remus’ spine. He shuddered, and his
hand moved the last little distance up Sirius’ thigh. Now his thumb was resting
against what had to be the base of Sirius’ cock, while the rest of his fingers
splayed out towards his hipbone. Sirius jerked against his hand, and Remus
instinctively pressed a bit more firmly, running his thumb up Sirius’ length
through the fabric. Suddenly Sirius abandoned his grip on Remus’ shoulders and
reached down to fumble between them. At first Remus assumed Sirius had reached
his limit and was trying to push him away, but then he had to remind himself to
never underestimate Sirius’ limits, because what he was actually doing was
unbuttoning his trousers and shoving his underwear aside. He grabbed Remus’
hand, obviously intending to guide him, but Remus shook him off. He was
probably only ever going to get to do this once in his life, and he wanted it
to last more than three and a half minutes, which was Sirius’ self-proclaimed
record.
Remus had seen Sirius naked before, of course. Actually, the whole castle had
on several occasions. Sirius and James both seemed to consider surprise nudity
a staple when it came to pranks. And then there was the time the four of them
had agreed (in Remus’ case, very grudgingly) to compare their equipment, so to
speak. That activity had had to be repeated several times in different states
of arousal before James could accept that Peter, of all people, was the clear
winner, to which Sirius had cryptically remarked that perhaps Peter’s cock was
compensating for something. 
Embarrassing as that had been at the time, Remus was grateful for it now. This
whole experience was terrifying and new enough already. He was grateful to have
one less surprise in store. For example, he already knew that Sirius, unlike
himself, was uncircumcised, although you could hardly tell at the moment.
Sirius was so erect that the head of his cock was fully visible, and there was
only a little more skin around the shaft than Remus was used to seeing on
himself. Remus swallowed, repeating to himself that he could do this. It
couldn't be that different from wanking.
He touched Sirius’ cock with one finger first, not unlike how he had touched
Sirius’ hand a few minutes ago, trailing slowly from the base up towards the
tip. Sirius’ breath came rushing out against his cheek in a series of soundless
little puffs and his hand twisted in the fabric of Remus’ shirt. Remus had a
somewhat similar reaction himself, because there was something unexpected here
after all. Sirius’ skin was very soft, so unbelievably so that Remus began to
wonder if he was hallucinating this whole experience. Suddenly he very much
understood the logic behind oral sex. It was nearly criminal to touch such
delicate skin with his rough, imperfect hands. His lips and tongue would be a
much better match. That thought made his mouth water with a level of
unadulterated lust he hadn't known he was capable of an hour ago, but he didn't
let it rule him. He trusted Sirius to laugh off a handjob between friends, but
there was no way Remus would get away with sucking his cock without revealing
that he was, quite possibly, the most homosexual teenager on the planet. 
That was one secret he had yet to let slip to the other Marauders. Not that he
would have minded them knowing, but he didn't see how it would be possible to
tell them without revealing his crush as well. He was queer; he wanted Sirius.
The two concepts were so inextricably linked that they couldn't be expressed as
separate sentences in his mind unless he used a semicolon. If he said the first
part aloud, the other would inevitably follow. So he told his mouth it would
have to be satisfied with kissing only, which was not much of a disappointment,
considering the energy Sirius was currently giving to that activity. 
Remus reminded himself for the dozenth time this afternoon that he was not a
coward and wrapped his fingers around Sirius’ cock, only to be swallowed by a
fresh wave of uncertainty. It was apparent after a few tentative pulls that
this wasn't like wanking at all. Everything was backwards, for one thing. Also,
he had never tried wanking while being distracted by Sirius’ tongue in his
mouth (more’s the pity). Most distressingly, he had no feedback to tell him if
he was doing a terrible job. He probably was doing a terrible job. That
terrifying thought was confirmed when Sirius stopped kissing him. His mouth
moved against Remus’ in a long string of completely incomprehensible but
obviously irritated words. Remus jerked his hands away, mortified that he had
managed to screw this up so badly, but Sirius grabbed Remus’ face in one hand
and his wrist in the other and said something else. 
Remus shook his head helplessly in Sirius’ grip. “What?” he mouthed.
Sirius’ mouth moved again, but this time he spoke slowly and sparingly enough
that even Remus’ panic-stricken brain could read his lips. “Hurry. Up.” 
He yanked Remus’ hand back and jammed their mouths together. Remus laughed
against Sirius’ lips, a little hysterical with relief, because of course Sirius
would be impatient and shameless in this, as he was in all things. Sirius
rolled his hips, demanding more, so Remus tried again, but his hand was still
graceless and stuttering. There was precome dripping down from the tip of
Sirius’ cock, but not nearly enough for what Remus would consider a comfortable
experience. Finally he abandoned dignity entirely and did what he would have
done for himself. He ducked his head and quickly licked his palm. He had to be
sloppy about it or there was no point, and it made his cheeks burn, but it
worked. Everything got much easier after that. Remus gave up on worrying and
succumbed to simply enjoying the taboo experience of jerking Sirius off,
leaning forward to lick into his mouth when Sirius started to lose the
coordination required to kiss him back. 
It was at about this point that Remus realized this was probably a prank, but
he didn’t care, not even for a moment. Any prank that involved making Sirius
come, as it was apparent he was about to do, was worth whatever punchline was
going to follow. Remus would gladly accept ridicule if that was the price for
feeling this, feeling Sirius writhing underneath him, shoving himself up into
Remus’ hand greedily, digging his fingernails into his wrist, gasping wetly
into his mouth. 
Sirius had reeled him in by the shirt so close that Remus could hardly focus
his eyes. That wouldn’t do. If he was actually going to get to do this, then he
wanted to see Sirius’ face when it happened. So he used his free hand to grab
Sirius by the hair, dragging him backwards just enough to see him properly.
This seemed to have an effect all on its own, or perhaps it was just the last
straw, because Sirius gasped out one word that was easy to understand even in
total silence, “Fuck,”and suddenly his cock was pulsing messily all over Remus’
hand. Remus kept pulling on him until the last moment he could excuse it,
watching Sirius’ flushed, ecstatic expression with an intense hunger that
threatened to completely wipe all sense from his brain, if there was even any
left.  
Sirius’ eyes opened wide with disbelief right at the end, as if he had never
felt anything that amazing in his life, which, hopefully, he hadn’t. Then he
collapsed back against the wall, as floppy as a rag doll. Remus let go of him
with shaking hands and gulped for air. His heart was rabbiting around in his
chest, and he was positive, absolutely positive, that he had never been this
hard before in his entire life. He fumbled in his pocket with his clean hand
for a handkerchief and wiped off his fingers. After a moment of hesitation, he
did the same for Sirius and tucked him back into his clothing, blushing anew as
he did so. It had seemed like the polite thing to do, but it was actually much
more awkward to touch Sirius like that when he wasn’t aroused. Sirius’ eyelids
fluttered, barely, but his eyes didn’t open. 
Remus stuffed the handkerchief back into his pocket, trying not to think about
how embarrassing it would be to leave out for the house elves to clean, and
considering using the paper to ask if Sirius could please turn around for forty
seconds or so, because if he didn’t have a wank right now he would probably
die. He might, in fact, have died already. That would explain a lot. 
He was sitting there with his eyes closed, trying to engrave the last few
minutes into his memory, when suddenly Sirius tackled him. Fearing the
punchline he had predicted before, Remus tried to scramble away, but Sirius
caught him and kissed him. Remus was so startled that at first he didn’t even
kiss him back. It hadn’t occurred to him that Sirius might reciprocate, but
that was definitely what was happening. Sirius climbed into his lap and pressed
him against the wall. Never one for beating around the bush, his hand went
straight to the bulge of Remus’ erection, which not even school robes could
hide now. Remus’ throat seized up with an unheard whimper, and he almost came
from that first press of Sirius’ palm. He grabbed Sirius by the hips and pulled
him closer until they were flush against one another with Sirius’ hand caught
in between. He could feel the rise and fall of Sirius’ chest against his own
and the muscles of Sirius’ thighs pressing down around him. Sirius rocked his
hips, and every place they were touching—up to and most certainly including
Sirius’ hand pressed firmly against his cock—moved in a single heart-shaking
pulse that was so intense that Remus was sure he wouldn't have survived it at
all if not for them both being fully clothed. Then his head was full of an
image of a nakedSirius doing this, kissing him, grinding down onto him, which
led to a whole series of images, each one of them far more taboo than the idea
of bringing Sirius off with his hand.  
Sirius backed away out of his lap, but his smile was so wide and lewd that
there was no way Remus could misconstrue this as a rejection. He yanked Remus’
robes and shirt up around his chest and leaned down to kiss his stomach, tongue
sliding, hot and tickling. Remus convulsed from head to toe, consumed by the
unexpected intensity of the sensation. Sirius’ shoulder was pressing against
his cock, and he couldn’t help but think about what it would feel like to have
Sirius’ mouth move just a bit lower. Then he gulped, suddenly realizing that,
of course, that was exactly what Sirius must be about to do. Sirius was
unbuttoning his trousers with a challenging, anything-you-can-do-I-can-do-
better smile, that same smile that made James unable to resist any dare that
might follow. Of course Sirius would want to one-up him, to have the last word.
He pushed the clothing down out of the way, exposing Remus’ cock, which seemed
to be curving towards his mouth of its own volition. Sirius was so close that
strands of his longish hair stuck to the damp head of it. Remus swore silently
and shivered. He could feel even that, even the tiny lines of contact created
by those few hairs sliding along his skin. 
Sirius seemed to notice this, and he sat up. He gathered his hair into a messy
lump at the back of his head and secured it with a tie from his pocket,
something he usually only did during Quidditch practice. His eyes stayed
focused on Remus’ cock the whole time. He was still smiling, but he had a
slightly more thoughtful, strategic look to him. He glanced back up at Remus’
face and grinned. That was the last warning Remus got before Sirius swiftly
bent down and took his cock into his mouth. 
Remus lost all vestiges of control in the space of a single moment. His throat
clenched with a cry that would surely have been very embarrassing if not for
the magic of the room stealing all sound, and he thrust his hips up sharply
into the hot, slick depths of Sirius’ mouth. Unfortunately this instinct didn't
serve him very well. Sirius gagged and jerked away, sitting up partway to give
Remus a good glare. 
“Sorry, sorry!” Remus mouthed, mortified. 
Sirius tossed his head, which was less dramatic than usual as he didn't have
any loose hair to flip. He held up a warning finger as he lowered himself back
down again, and Remus nodded vigorously, relieved that he hadn't scared Sirius
off with his stupidity. He braced his hands against the floor on either side of
his hips, determined not to move a muscle. 
Sirius licked him first this time, probably testing the waters to see if Remus
would flail around again. Remus gritted his teeth and scraped his nails on the
flagstones, but he managed to stay still. So Sirius licked him again, and
again. Then there was a softer slide that must be his lips, and Remus’ jaw
unlocked to release a stuttering monologue of praises and curses and pleading.
He was absurdly grateful that he couldn't actually make noise, or else he
surely would have withered away and died of embarrassment on the spot.
Sirius obviously had no idea what he was doing—he kept pausing to change
tactics, and there were occasional unpleasant scrapes of teeth—but it
absolutely did not matter. It was the most impossibly amazing thing Remus had
ever felt, a thousand times better than he had imagined, and he had imagined
this exact scenario a lot. He had shut his eyes out of self-defense after
seeing the first unbearably sexual flick of Sirius’ tongue, but after a few
moments he remembered the importance of watching so he could commit every
detail to memory and wank to this for the rest of eternity. He opened his eyes,
and there was Sirius, flushed and kneeling down low on his knees and elbows,
mouth stretched obscenely wide, cheeks hollowed as he sucked. Once he had seen
that, Remus had no chance. He came barely five seconds later, babbling a stream
of words that would have been incomprehensible even under normal
circumstances. 
Sirius jerked a little, and his eyes widened with surprise, but this time Remus
was too busy exploding to care or even much notice. Sirius’ curling tongue sent
lightning bolts of pleasure ricocheting around through every part of his body,
substantially stronger than any orgasm Remus had experienced before. His lungs
couldn’t breathe deeply enough, heart couldn’t beat hard enough, nerves
couldn’t transmit signal quickly enough to keep up with all the energy it
required. It was basically like being murdered with pleasure.
Never one to back down, Sirius didn't let up until Remus was slumped against
the wall, trembling and only hazily aware of the world. Only then did he pull
away, coughing a bit around a wide, manically triumphant grin. He looked
exactly as he had right after his first ever shot of firewhiskey. What had he
said then? “All right, that was worse than I had been led to expect. Give us
another.” And he had snatched the bottle out of James’ hand, laughing, totally
unperturbed by the way the drink had made his eyes water.
There was a trail of white on Sirius’ left cheek. Unsure if it was even real,
Remus reached out with a shaking hand and wiped it off. Sirius turned his head
and licked his fingers clean, tongue swirling unnecessarily. It sent shivers of
aftershock down Remus’ spine, totally different from Padfoot’s sloppy, friendly
licks. Remus had to feel it for several seconds before his brain caught up with
him and he started to truly process that this was actually Sirius, actually
here, down on all fours, licking come off his fingers and looking up at him
with lustful eagerness, as if he was just waiting for the next indecent thing
they might do together. 
And that was it. Remus gave up on everything, including pretenses at
verticality, and flopped over onto the floor. Every circuit in his brain was
utterly blown. Every neuron was fried, used up, done. He had officially felt
all there was to feel, a lifetime’s worth of enjoyment condensed into a few
minutes. He would never, as long as he lived, experience anything—good or
bad—properly again. He would be an emotionless, shambling husk of a person, and
he didn't even care. It had been so, so worth it. 
He lay there in a useless heap for what felt like a long time until he felt air
moving near one of his hands. He opened his eyes to see Sirius lying on his
stomach, feet swinging cheerfully in the air behind him as he wrote something
on the paper. Remus blinked and briefly considered moving. 
Sirius finished writing and handed Remus the parchment. 
That was AWESOME. Although next time I have got to hear all the filthy things
you were saying. 
Remus froze in shock as those two words, next time, bounced around the inside
of his stupid, empty skull. It took several reverberations for him to even
remember what they meant, and then he still didn't hardly believe it. 
Sirius grabbed the paper and started to scribble something else, eyes wide with
sudden panic at Remus’ odd reaction. Remus raised himself up on one elbow so he
could see. 
Only if you want to. If you’d rather just forget this ever happened then that’s
fi—
It was like watching someone nail shut a window Remus had never even realized
was open. Someone, somewhere, was writing The Endin the story of his life, or
maybe he was getting written out of the story entirely. Maybe he had never been
an important character to begin with. 
Remus lunged across the floor and snatched the quill out of Sirius’ hands. 
Sirius jumped at this sudden and uncharacteristic tackle. He watched with great
trepidation while Remus took a deep breath, sat up, fixed his clothing, and
straightened his glasses. Once his dignity was restored, Remus took the paper
and carefully put a line through that last, unacceptable sentence. Sirius
scooted closer and looked between Remus’ face and the paper, a cautious smile
just barely forming. Remus went back and made a precise circle around those two
beautiful words, next time. 
Sirius’ smile got wider, more confident. There was no mischief in it this time,
though, no hyperactive bravado, no lewd challenge. He just looked…happy. Remus
smiled back at him for a long moment, and he realized that he might actually be
a lucky person after all. 
The postorgasmic clouds in his brain were already clearing, making way for the
blue skies of heady new possibilities, for next time. And it was a good idea to
make sure he was absolutely clear, more clear than some lines scrawled on paper
could ever be. So he leaned forward and kissed Sirius again. Sirius responded
eagerly, pulling them both down to the ground and lining them up on their sides
so they were touching absolutely everywhere. It was even more lovely than
before. Remus was still tingling from all the things they had just done, and
Sirius’ lips were swollen and hot. It was too soon for him to get hard again,
but that made it even better, because there was no rush. 
The flagstones under his hip and elbow were uncomfortable, though, so he pushed
on Sirius’ shoulder, rolling them and putting himself on top. It had been
Sirius’ idea to break into this stupid room in the first place. If one of them
was going to have bruises it should be him. Sirius didn’t resist being shoved
down into the stones, and Remus wondered anew at this uncharacteristic
yielding. He wondered how far Sirius would let him push it. 
The paper was between them, getting crumpled. Remus pulled away from the kiss,
laughing at a sudden thought. He sat up and smoothed the paper out flat on
Sirius’ chest so he could write, grinning when Sirius wiggled a bit under the
ticklish movement of the quill.  
Will you go to the winter dance with me? Circle  YES   or   NO 
Sirius laughed when Remus held the paper up for him to see, obviously
remembering James’ note too. He made a mock considering expression, putting his
finger to his lips like he was trying to decide if he should follow Lily’s
example and set it on fire. Remus giggled, although it really wasn’t that
funny, but he was so high on euphoria and the feel of Sirius under him that it
didn’t matter. He pushed the quill into Sirius’ hand and watched with
satisfaction while Sirius clumsily circled YES.
Remus took the parchment back, folded it carefully, and put it in his pocket.
He would need it later, to remind himself he hadn’t imagined or dreamed all of
this, although he would be very impressed with his subconscious if that turned
out to be the case. That task done, he leaned down to kiss Sirius again. Sirius
rose up to meet him a little. Remus closed his eyes right before they made
contact, only to find himself unceremoniously thrown to the floor as Sirius
scrambled out from underneath him, half crawling, half running towards the
classroom door, which had just started to crack open. James’ head peered around
the open door, but Sirius shoved him out of the way before he could attempt to
say anything, making a break for the charms classroom beyond as if his life
depended on it. 
Remus wasn’t far behind, although he did stop to get Sirius’ wand and James’
cloak. He emerged into the classroom just in time to hear the end of Sirius’
wordless, self-indulgent yell, the first sound either of them had heard in
hours. 
“Are you all right?” James asked, eyes wide with concern and a bit of fear,
obviously anticipating Sirius enacting revenge for stranding them just to avoid
upsetting Lily. 
“Absolutely! That was awesome,” Sirius said, talking much louder and faster
than usual, apparently needing to make up for lost opportunities. He was also
waving his arms wildly as he talked, but that was pretty much normal. “Don’t
get me wrong, you’re still going to wake up with something slimy in an intimate
place sometime this week. But I finally got around to seducing Moony, so life
is good, better than good, great, fantastic! It was surprisingly easy. If I’d
known all it would take was a piece of paper I’d have done it a long time ago.
I thought I’d need an actual book for sure, one of those big moldy ones, you
know? Sex is fucking amazing by the way, Prongs, you should try it sometime
once you’ve stopped moping over that prissy, stuck-up witch.”
James and Peter’s eyes got bigger and bigger throughout this high-speed
monologue. Remus was only slightly less shocked. He never, in a million years,
would have guessed that Sirius had been planningto do something like this. 
“I think maybe you were in there a little too long, mate,” James told Sirius
gently, seeing Remus’ expression, which probably did not appear to corroborate
Sirius’ version of events at all. 
“This is what I was afraid of,” Peter whispered. “His mind didn’t survive. He’s
totally bonkers.” 
“Bonkers for Moony,” Sirius said, hands on his hips, grinning wide. “Moony for
Moony!”
“Maybe we had better go see Madam Pomphrey,” James said, extending a hand to
Sirius’ elbow, cautiously, as if he was afraid Sirius might explode (a fear not
unsupported by past experience). 
“Sod Madam Pomphrey!” Sirius yelled. “I’m starving!We missed dinner, didn’t we?
TO THE KITCHENS!”
He took off at high speed, skidding out of the classroom and down the hall,
calling back for the others to race him. James ran after him, yelling futile
requests for caution and metal health examinations. Remus and Peter followed at
a more sedate pace.
“I’m sorry to have to ask,” Peter said, “but did he really seduce you, or try
to? It’s Sirius, I honestly can’t tell.” 
Remus sighed, resigning himself to never having any secrets ever again. “Peter,
if you look very carefully at the facts, at the timeline, if you will, I think
you will find…everything happened exactly as Sirius said.”
“You mean you actually did it? You had sex?” Peter exhaled slowly in awe. “Wow.
What was it like?”
Remus considered this for a moment. “About how you would expect. Weird,
embarrassing, a bit damper than anticipated. But, overall, very enjoyable.”
“Wow,” Peter said again, apparently at a loss for other interjections. “No
offense, Remus, but I'm a bit surprised. I didn't think you’d be the first.”
The first of the four of them to have sex, is what he meant. “Technically,
Sirius was first. And, for the record, I don’t understand everyone’s insistence
on viewing this as a race.”
“Oh, yeah, I guess.” There was awkward silence for a couple minutes, then Peter
burst out, “Can I try?”
“With me?” Remus started to laugh then cleared his throat, because that was
apparently exactly what Peter meant. “Oh, uh, well, Sirius and I are kind of
going out now, so I don’t think that would be quite straightforward of me.
Sorry.” 
“Oh. Sorry, I just thought that would be, like, our new thing. With the for of
us, you know…” Peter trailed off awkwardly.
Remus didn’t answer right away. That would, he realized with sudden alarm, make
quite a bit of sense. The Marauders did everything together, and he could see
why, from Sirius’ perspective, it would be strange to stop now. Even James
would probably go along with it, if it were to be some kind of Marauders-only
thing, all Boys Club and don’t-worry-we’re-all-straight-here experimentation.
But that wasn’t what Remus wanted at all.
He found himself clutching the paper in his pocket, thinking frantically about
all the things it did and didn’t actually say. What if Sirius had just gotten
tired of being a virgin, or what if was actually James he wanted in the end
after all, as Remus had always thought far more likely? 
He was still consumed by this horrifying train of thought when Peter continued,
apparently not having noticed Remus’ silence as anything odd, “I’ve never even
kissed anyone. You’ll tell us about it, won’t you? I don’t know if I’ll ever
figure this out otherwise.” 
Remus swallowed. “Don’t worry, Peter. I’m sure Sirius will tell everyone
everything as soon as he slows down enough to stay still for a minute. I, on
the other hand, will hide in the bathroom and delude myself into thinking
privacy is still a commodity that I enjoy.” 
Peter nodded in sympathy. “I would probably hide in the bathroom too, if I was
dating Sirius.” 
As if to prove the wisdom of that approach, at that moment Sirius came hurtling
towards them from behind, apparently having somehow figured out a way to lap
them. Devoid of brakes—or any more metaphorical restraint—he used an arm around
Remus’ neck to halt his momentum, swinging around to plant a rough kiss in the
general area of Remus’ mouth. “Come on, Moony! Why are you so slow? We have to
go to the kitchens so we can get our blood sugar levels back up so we can we go
back to the tower so we can try fucking!”
“I don't think there’s anything wrong with your blood sugar levels,” Remus
grumbled, rubbing his neck. Then the rest of what Sirius had said trickled
through his ears to his brain, and he froze up with an overwhelming combination
of excitement, nervousness, and sheer disbelief. It was starting to be a
familiar cocktail of emotions and would probably (hopefully) be his staple from
now on.
“Sorry!” James caught up with them, panting and holding his side. He yanked
Sirius’ arms off Remus’ neck. “Get off him, you mad fucker, you’re going to
break him. Sorry, Moony, he’s just so fast. What should I do, should I stun
him? I could stun him. I think I want to stun him.”
Sirius sulked with his hands crossed over his chest and raised his eyebrows at
Remus expectantly. Remus looked at him searchingly, trying read in Sirius’
expression the answers to a dozen questions he was too afraid to ask. 
“That won’t be necessary,” he said at last. “I can’t believe I’m saying this,
but I think Sirius is fine just the way he is.” 
“YES!” Sirius said, pumping his arm in triumph. “I told you!”
James looked back and forth between them in confusion, then he did a double
take at Sirius. Remus saw it at the same time, as Sirius unconsciously swooshed
his hair back. There was a sickle-sized red mark on the side of Sirius’ neck. 
“What is that?” James cried. He grabbed Sirius by the shoulder and yanked his
hair out of the way. 
“What is what? Is there a mark? Prongs! What does it look like?” Sirius gasped
in excitement and fought James off so he could look at his reflection in the
chest plate of a nearby suit of armor. “There is a mark! Oh man, it’s so
brilliant, Moony, look!”
“I see it,” Remus mumbled. He pressed the back of his hand against his face,
trying to cool the burning heat in his cheeks. 
“Remus!” James didn’t seem to know what to say next, so he said it again.
“Remus!” 
“I know,” Remus said. 
“I was operating on the assumption that you were too smart for this!” James
said at last. 
“That’s what you get for underestimating my Moony,” Sirius said smugly, draping
his arm back around Remus’ shoulders. He used his other hand to arrange his
hair so the mark would be on display to anyone who might care to look. “Little
did we know, he can snog like the dickens!” When James just stared, Sirius took
this as a cue to continue bragging. “So can I, I gathered. I made him come, you
know. With my mouth!” 
“Sirius!” Remus hissed, struggling to suppress an urge to put a fist in that
same mouth. “Do you have to—”
“Yes, Moony. Yes, I do. It's educational. Prongs, Wormtail, listen and learn. I
used my mouth, and he loved it. Didn’t you, Moony?”
“I—”
“He loved it,” Sirius answered for him. “First I just put his whole dick in my
mouth, but he—”
“Sirius!” Remus gave up on subtlety (it never worked on Sirius anyways), and
clamped a hand over Sirius’ mouth, which had been indeed been quite enjoyable
earlier but was going to get him murdered if he went on like this. Remus would
have to see to it himself, for the sake of his own sanity. They had missed
dinner, but it wasn't quite after hours yet. There were still a few students in
the halls, all of whom were watching, seeing as the whole school had been well
trained by now to view the Marauders as both potential threats and a definite
source of entertainment. He suppressed a shudder when Sirius immediately began
licking his palm, which didn’t have quite the same immature-eleven-year-old-
defense-tactic vibe that it used to. “Sirius, listen carefully. You are going
to wait to talk about—stop licking me!—you are going to wait at least until we
get up to the dorms. Or I’ll see to it that you never have another sex story to
tell again. Understand? Nod if you understand. All right. I’m going to take my
hand away now.”  
Remus removed his hand, and everyone watched Sirius, who was wide-eyed but,
astonishingly, silent. Remus winced at his palm and wiped it on the shoulder of
Sirius’ robes. 
“Wow,” Peter breathed. 
“Remus, I take it back,” James said, clearly impressed. “You are a genius.
You’ve found the one thing in the world he’ll shut up for.”
“Moony,” Sirius whispered, his voice a tiny, pathetic whine. “Can I not talk at
all?” 
Remus shook his head, trying not to smile. “You can talk. I know you won’t
survive any more silence today. But you have to talk about other things.” 
Sirius’ face bloomed with relief. “Thank Merlin. James! I just thought of
something. Did anyone see you in the restricted section in the library?”
“Nope,” James said, a slow, devilish smile beginning to spread across his
face. 
“What about sneaking into the charms room? No? No one saw anything?” Sirius
quivered with excitement. “No one saw us either! You know what that means,
don’t you? Do you know what that means?”
“WE GOT AWAY WITH IT!” they yelled in unison, with Peter joining in belatedly
at the end. They finished this self-destructive exercise with the Secret
Marauder Handshake of Victory. Sirius shook with James and Peter simultaneously
and then turned to repeat the handshake with Remus, who kept glancing around
for McGonagall. She seemed to have a sixth sense for this handshake and often
descended on them right after, which wasn’t surprising considering the idiots
were always so loud about it. Also, the last step of the handshake involved
shooting confetti from one’s wand (Remus usually skipped that part). Discretion
was not a big part of the Marauders’ valor, despite Remus’ weary attempts at
influence.  
It turned out his caution was pointed in the wrong direction, though, because
at the very end of the handshake Sirius forewent further confetti and lunged in
to kiss him instead. He was so rough that it was more like getting punched in
the face than snogged. 
“We are not adding that bit to the Handshake of Victory,” James declared. 
“Hah! You wish. These lips are for none but my Moony,” Sirius said, tossing his
head. 
“Really?” Remus asked, delighted, completely missing an ideal opportunity to
hide how smitten he was. Sirius just grinned and kissed him again in the same
unsatisfying, vaguely painful way. 
“Sirius, ow!” Remus leaned back and rubbed his nose, although he couldn’t stop
himself from grinning like an idiot. “We have got to work on your spontaneous
snogging skills.”
“Good idea!” And before Remus could do anything about it, Sirius leaned back in
and kissed him properly. Remus decided after the first shocked moment that he
didn't want to do anything about it and kissed him back. Apparently Sirius
really had meant what he had written, and the simple reality of him, here in
his arms, was enough to make Remus’ heart beat faster. His whole chest was
filled with buoyant, surging excitement. No wonder Sirius was bouncing off the
walls—although the kiss had made him go soft and supple Remus’ arms almost
immediately. Remus smiled against Sirius’ mouth. He could get used to this. 
“Huh. I never would have thought of using my teeth like that,” Peter said,
quite a few minutes later. 
“I never would have thought of anything that’s happened in the last few hours,”
James said, sounding a bit put out.
Remus jumped, turning bright red and pushing Sirius out of his arms with an
effort. Somehow, he had just assumed James and Peter had continued walking
without them, despite a complete lack of any evidence of them having done so. 
Sirius, of course, was completely unaffected. He just sighed dreamily and
murmured, “What a great day. I love when we get away with it.” 
“I don’t,” Remus said in a burst of embarssment-induced contrariness. 
“Yes, you do,” Sirius countered with a smug smile. “You love it. It’s written
all over the inside of your mouth, Moony.” 
“For the record,” James was saying, “I don't ever need to see that again. God,
Pads, you’re such a slut.”
Sirius put his hands on his hips. “Don't be such a grump. If you wanted to be
first instead of Moony’n’me—”
“I thought you were first,” Peter interrupted, in the manner of one who was
taking notes for posterity.
Sirius gave Remus an incredulous look. “And you’re mad at me for telling
stories? You were only alone with him for like three minutes! Jeez, Moony.
Anyways,” he turned back to James, “if you wanted to be first instead of—to be
strictly accurate—me, you should have given up on that red-headed terror and
gone looking someplace more realistic. Like Greenhouse Two.”
As Greenhouse Two was currently devoted to bubotuber plants and similar
greenery, James was then obliged to knock Sirius down. Remus and Peter watched
from positions of relative sanity while the other two wrestled on the floor.
Remus made sure to stand well to the side so he wouldn't block the path of any
enterprising students that might feel like stepping on the two of them while
they were down. 
“I don't get it,” Peter said once the struggle was winding down. “If Sirius
only lost his virginity just now, how can he already be a slut?”
“Oh, you know how it is, Wormtail.” Sirius surged upright and draped an arm
around Peter’s shoulder, which made Peter’s Resting Anxiety Face intensify
threefold. “Some of us are born great.”
“Are you saying you were born a slut?” Remus asked, not entirely sure he would
disagree with this point. 
“Some of us are born sluts,” James said. “Some achieve sluttiness. And some,”
he gestured to Remus with an attitude of deep sympathy, “have sluts thrust upon
them.”
Sirius frowned. “I don't think that's how that goes.”
Remus threw his hands up into the air. “That's not how that goes at all.
Enough, we are walking now.” He plucked Sirius’ arm off Peter’s shoulder before
he broke something making that face and spun Peter and James around until they
were facing down the hall. “Walking. Not talking about sex. Walking to the
kitchens.”
He turned to explain to Sirius that he had not been telling stories, he had
just answered a few discreet questions—and at far more private volume than
certain other people—but Sirius was smiling at him in that uncomplicated, happy
way again, and he reached out to hold Remus’ hand while they walked. It felt
legitimately amazing, and Remus found he didn't have much to say after all, for
almost the whole walk to the kitchens. But before they arrived he held Sirius
back a bit until they were just out of hearing distance from the other two. 
“Sirius, you do know we can’t actually try—” he swallowed, nervous about saying
the relevant word in the relevant context for the first time. “You know, what
you said. Not tonight anyways.” 
“Fucking?” Sirius asked brightly. “Of course we can! Don’t you want to?”
“I—well, yes, but, it’s just—we have no idea what we’re doing! We need to do
some research first, don’t you think?” 
“Done!” Sirius grinned. He was still waving his hands as he talked, but he
didn’t let go of Remus’ hand, so Remus found his arm getting jerked around in
an alarming and totally uncontrolled way. He wondered if that was what it was
like to live in Sirius’ body. “I’ve got this totally brilliant book, Moony, it
explains everything. Don’t worry, I got this.”
“What? You do? But—” Remus paused, unsure how to illustrate his feeling that
this was all moving very fast in a way that someone like Sirius—who lived his
whole life at high speed—would understand. “Still, we can’t just dothat. We
need stuff. You know…supplies?”
“Lubricant!” Sirius said, far too loud. “I gotcha covered. Lubricatoria. Ta-
da!” He held up his hand, which was now shining with a clear, slippery-looking
substance. 
Remus stared, speechless, as the gel began to drip slowly down Sirius’ hand. A
single drop separated from the rest and went plummeting to the floor. “Did you
just do that wandless?”
“Yep! Been practicing, just in case, you know. I’ve been thinking about this
for a while. It was just the big moldy book thing getting in the way.” 
“Oh.” Remus smiled, feeling very warm inside. “Well, I admit it, I’m impressed.
That spell is very—”
“Handy?” Sirius asked, waggling his eyebrows and fingers in time with each
other. 
“I was going to say seriously handy,” Remus deadpanned.
“Oh,” Sirius’ eyes widened with adoration. “Oh, Moony. You are a king, the king
of puns, and I am just a lowly serf, plowing your verdant fields and dreaming
of—” He broke off, having just put his hands together in a prayerful position
and thus being reminded of the current condition of his left hand. “Oh. Hmm…” 
Remus watched with trepidation while Sirius rubbed his hands together
thoughtfully, looking around the hall at various portraits, suits of armor, and
other students. His eyes came to rest on James. 
“Oh no,” Remus said. 
“Oh yes.” Sirius sighed blissfully. “Yes.” 
He crept up on James with an only moderately successful level of stealth,
considering he didn't seem to be able to stop himself from muttering, “I’ll
show him…gay lube all over his face…all in his hair—” 
James heard this dire warning in time to see his doom approaching, but not in
time to stop it. Remus just watched this revenge play out, wincing a little and
laughing a lot, reflecting that perhaps fast wasn’t so bad after all. Life with
the Marauders was always like that. Metaphorically speaking, Remus lived right
in the middle of the biggest roller coaster ever built. The cars were speeding
by him all the time. He could either spend the rest of his life dodging between
them, or he could simply get on and have a blast. It was a dangerous way to
live, but today Remus felt rather close to invincible. After all, if he could
beat one in one hundred thousand odds, he could do anything. 
                                    THE END
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